Alone

Did you see them going off to fight

children on the barricade who didn't last the night?

Did you see them lying where they died?

Someone used to kiss them when they cried.

Who will wake them? No one ever will.

No one ever told them

that a summer day can kill.

I feel lonely as shit with this all. Sensing spirits and stuff. I don’t claim to have superpowers, I don’t claim to get their memories from times long gone when they’re near or some shit like that. Time has in most cases changed them almost beyond repair. I just get these really clear mental images and sort of get their meanings and what they’re after even though I can’t always hear the exact words. I understand that the spirits and how we communicate are limited by my human psyche. Heck, I’ve asked from my doctors and shit and they went pretty quiet for a while and then said “Well, since it doesn’t bother your everyday life, we’re pretty sure it couldn’t be classified as a mental disorder or a symptom of one. Here, take these anti-psychotics just in case”. I went through SIX different anti-psychotics with different doses. And nothing could stop me from having these experiences.

I hate how the media has made experiences like this up to be something freaky. I mean… It’s not poofs of smoke and flashes of lightning. It’s not a superpower. I can’t tell the future. But when I say “I sense some spirits around me, some of them have tagged along with me for years” people automatically assume I mean some weird shit like in the movies and tv. Like… I don’t WANT to make myself out to be a fucking special snowflake because I know I’m not. It’s simply a thing about me. Like that my eyes are green or something. It’s in other peoples’ heads what makes this so “strange”. I just want to talk about some friends who are dead to the rest of the world. I want to share their story somehow. I want to share MY story but I’m too fucking scared to tell anyone in the fear of being judged.

And yes thank you, I’m aware of my low self esteem. Yes, I do doubt myself. But it’s too real to not be. It’s too complicated yet still always half-hidden. I can sense that the otherworld is right behind the corner but I also know I won’t fully see it until I permanently move there myself. And I will never fully understand it.

I just don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to hide anymore but I don’t know what else to do and who to talk to.

Pretty good day

So, mr. Bear left earlier today, I got to clean up my apartment a bit and wrote some pretty badass shit after he left. :) I'll see him and his parents tomorrow, though (eek, nervous!), and get my cat to my place on saturday. <3

Then Hetu visited with her dog and we went for coffee at my ex-flatmates' place. 'Twas nice to see Hetu and Nano again. I feel a bit guilty for not contacting my friends too well in such a long time simply because of personal stress and being in a relationship. But I promise things will get better, I know it. Just know I love you all, you're my damn pack and have held me up when I've felt weak and I hope I can pay it back to you one day. Especially Hetu, I know I haven't always treated you as well as you would've deserved and I apologize for it. <3

But anyway. I just realized that this bout of depression is basically me suffering from the "Bramh syndrome" (Hetu knows what I mean, lol), aka a bit of a daddy complex and the fear of history repeating itself. Not in the completely same manner as my character but you know. The trip to Ireland in June (when this all started acting up again) triggered some memories of my family having been complete - not perfect, but still whole and okay - and then suddenly breaking down. And it's made me think more about abandonment in general... Which, in turn, has made me feel guilty as shit for simply not having to be able to be there for my loved ones in need. It's just guilt after guilt because of an old idea and personal trauma still stuck in my head. You know, I would like to hate my father but I can't. He might be dumb and have zero eye for social contact and too much of a love for numbers, but he's still the father I grew up with as a kid. I hope I don't repeat my mistakes by either being too cold and distant towards those I love or holding them too tightly tied to me - and thus holding them further away from others. I've always been either really awkward or really possessive about people. It's about time I let go of that shit and learn to you know... Interact normally again.

I don't know how much of this text is sensible to Hetu and other possible readers, but the point is, that there is a reason for me being so damn down and I know what it is, that I'm sorry for possibly hurting you, and I will get better. Not perfect, but better. I'm not hurting anyone on purpose, not even myself. But I will fight it, because fuck, I'm going in circles and that leads nowhere and isn't any good for anyone.

Here, have a few silly pictures.

Hello again

Seems I'm really random with updating my blogs. Kind of annoys me - but then again, it's my life and my blogs and I will write when I have something to write and proper time to do it. And no one probably reads these anyway, so whatever. :D

So. I got a new apartment, which is absolutely lovely. Firstly for the reason that I don't have to share it with anyone. Secondly, because it's right next to a lake and little gardening place (I plan to get my own little spot there and grow some artichokes and shit)... The house itself is from the seventies and it shows but it's grown to me horribly although it's ugly as hell and in terrible shape. :D Dragged all my stuff here last weekend, and I still have one or two boxes to unpack, and a bit of cleaning up to do, but apart from that, I'm pretty much done. :)

I've been doing pretty good mentally as well, probably because I have lots of stuff to do (stuff that I'm actually motivated to do!) and my bf has been here since Friday and he really, really makes me happy as shit. <3

I feel like I just want to read and write and paint all the time. I have tons of ideas, but no energy to put those ideas into action because of sleep deprivation and shit. Sucks, really. I feel like I'm finally happy and energetic in a way but on the other hand I can't concentrate worth shit. Hypomanic episode going on perhaps, I don't know.

Oh. And I have a freaking desk. So I don't sit in my bed with my laptop anymore. I'm pretty sure my back will love me for this... :D

And my altar is pretty (although in the picture it's still a bit of a work in progress):