My body is a cage

No, I don't necessarily consider myself fat. Or at least not any less worthy of love and respect for being so. This stems from something much deeper.

My identity is a little bit of a problem. Being otherkin and gender fluid can make things a bit difficult at times. I am quite skeptical in the end, believe it or not. I doubt my identity constantly (mostly the otherkin part). I feel it's who I am but it's killing me that I have no way of proving it. I feel like I'm just telling people something without any backup for it, and I hate that feeling - especially since it's impossible to get concrete backup for it, even for myself. All I have is my emotions, phantom limbs and some hazy memories. A gut feeling, no matter how strong, just doesn't do it for me anymore. Maybe I've turned bitter and lost my faith to some extent... And that thought makes me sad as heck.

What makes my mind go most haywire over this is probably the huge difference between my physical body and the thing that I feel is the real me, and the fluid nature of my identity. I wouldn't have such big a problem with this if I could do anything about this, if I could somehow express outward - to everyone - what I feel like I am inside. I feel like I'm constantly in disguise, fooling myself and everyone around me and I don't want to do that. I want to make them see, but I can't. I'm not sure if anyone believes me, and I don't always believe it myself. I wouldn't mind going under the knife, but it wouldn't be of much help. My gender identity is so fluid any operations wouldn't probably do shit, and might cause even more confusion. And, well, science still hasn't figured out how they could plant me a tail and ears and all that. And even then it wouldn't somehow be enough. I'm a shapeshifting being after all.

I would be okay with who I am if the very core of my being was more stable, I guess. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and have come to some conclusions that have caused some confusion in my little head.

I wish I had someone to blame for this, but I don't. I wish I had someone else to direct all this despise to, all this pain, but I don't. So it turns to myself.
I hate this stupid meatsuit. It's not ugly but it's not me either. I couldn't even pass as male even if I binded my tits and glued some damn pubic hair to my face. I just couldn't. My features are way too feminine for my liking, and I don't necessarily want to look like Justin Bieber.
"Looks don't matter." Fuck that, in the case of when they matter in terms of self expression and being open and honest.

Feeling like utter crap

This is basically what's lately been going through my head over and over again:

"I have absolutely no self control, no ability to take responsibility, I'm just drifting aimlessly through my life and will never get anywhere. I've dropped out of school twice, and just might do that again. It's like I just can't do it. Like, for some reason, I wasn't built for what others can manage so easily. What the fuck is wrong with me? I was fine before school, and I was fine in the summer.

I'm a fat fuck and I shouldn't fucking eat at all. I'm a disgrace, too average to be pretty and too average to even be considered disordered. I wish someone could see how I feel. Their eyes would burn in their sockets, though.

I want to tear my skin apart again.

And again.
And again.

I should probably die.
I'm just a burden to everyone and can't meet even my own expectations. I can't do anything right."

And I can't fucking stop this flow of thought no matter how hard I try. I can pause it, but it always bursts back on and I don't know fucking why because I thought I'd already be clear about the reasons behind this. But apparently I wasn't.


I know I was a bit fucked up when I was going out with Eric as well (Don't get me wrong, I'm much happier now that I have an actual man beside me instead of an English rat). I was in school then too, and super stressed. I think it might just be sneaky flashbacks of bullying and sexual harassment and stuff. I mean, those were going on roughly about the same time. And then came the huge changes in my life, which I couldn't deal with for long before losing it. I feel like I have no fucking right to be whining, like I've gotten off easy. I KNOW I do have the right but I don't feel it. I'm ashamed to be this broken again. Letting this utter bullshit strike back like this, after such a long good period.
I feel like the weakest person on earth. Probably because of my dad flipped every time I showed any negative emotions at home. And we never talked about anything with mum either. It's never been okay for me to actually express what I feel, and I'm not very good at handling emotions because I'm so used to bottling them up.

And so I use my wounds as my shield and as my voice.

Alone

Did you see them going off to fight

children on the barricade who didn't last the night?

Did you see them lying where they died?

Someone used to kiss them when they cried.

Who will wake them? No one ever will.

No one ever told them

that a summer day can kill.

I feel lonely as shit with this all. Sensing spirits and stuff. I don’t claim to have superpowers, I don’t claim to get their memories from times long gone when they’re near or some shit like that. Time has in most cases changed them almost beyond repair. I just get these really clear mental images and sort of get their meanings and what they’re after even though I can’t always hear the exact words. I understand that the spirits and how we communicate are limited by my human psyche. Heck, I’ve asked from my doctors and shit and they went pretty quiet for a while and then said “Well, since it doesn’t bother your everyday life, we’re pretty sure it couldn’t be classified as a mental disorder or a symptom of one. Here, take these anti-psychotics just in case”. I went through SIX different anti-psychotics with different doses. And nothing could stop me from having these experiences.

I hate how the media has made experiences like this up to be something freaky. I mean… It’s not poofs of smoke and flashes of lightning. It’s not a superpower. I can’t tell the future. But when I say “I sense some spirits around me, some of them have tagged along with me for years” people automatically assume I mean some weird shit like in the movies and tv. Like… I don’t WANT to make myself out to be a fucking special snowflake because I know I’m not. It’s simply a thing about me. Like that my eyes are green or something. It’s in other peoples’ heads what makes this so “strange”. I just want to talk about some friends who are dead to the rest of the world. I want to share their story somehow. I want to share MY story but I’m too fucking scared to tell anyone in the fear of being judged.

And yes thank you, I’m aware of my low self esteem. Yes, I do doubt myself. But it’s too real to not be. It’s too complicated yet still always half-hidden. I can sense that the otherworld is right behind the corner but I also know I won’t fully see it until I permanently move there myself. And I will never fully understand it.

I just don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to hide anymore but I don’t know what else to do and who to talk to.

Pretty good day

So, mr. Bear left earlier today, I got to clean up my apartment a bit and wrote some pretty badass shit after he left. :) I'll see him and his parents tomorrow, though (eek, nervous!), and get my cat to my place on saturday. <3

Then Hetu visited with her dog and we went for coffee at my ex-flatmates' place. 'Twas nice to see Hetu and Nano again. I feel a bit guilty for not contacting my friends too well in such a long time simply because of personal stress and being in a relationship. But I promise things will get better, I know it. Just know I love you all, you're my damn pack and have held me up when I've felt weak and I hope I can pay it back to you one day. Especially Hetu, I know I haven't always treated you as well as you would've deserved and I apologize for it. <3

But anyway. I just realized that this bout of depression is basically me suffering from the "Bramh syndrome" (Hetu knows what I mean, lol), aka a bit of a daddy complex and the fear of history repeating itself. Not in the completely same manner as my character but you know. The trip to Ireland in June (when this all started acting up again) triggered some memories of my family having been complete - not perfect, but still whole and okay - and then suddenly breaking down. And it's made me think more about abandonment in general... Which, in turn, has made me feel guilty as shit for simply not having to be able to be there for my loved ones in need. It's just guilt after guilt because of an old idea and personal trauma still stuck in my head. You know, I would like to hate my father but I can't. He might be dumb and have zero eye for social contact and too much of a love for numbers, but he's still the father I grew up with as a kid. I hope I don't repeat my mistakes by either being too cold and distant towards those I love or holding them too tightly tied to me - and thus holding them further away from others. I've always been either really awkward or really possessive about people. It's about time I let go of that shit and learn to you know... Interact normally again.

I don't know how much of this text is sensible to Hetu and other possible readers, but the point is, that there is a reason for me being so damn down and I know what it is, that I'm sorry for possibly hurting you, and I will get better. Not perfect, but better. I'm not hurting anyone on purpose, not even myself. But I will fight it, because fuck, I'm going in circles and that leads nowhere and isn't any good for anyone.

Here, have a few silly pictures.

Hello again

Seems I'm really random with updating my blogs. Kind of annoys me - but then again, it's my life and my blogs and I will write when I have something to write and proper time to do it. And no one probably reads these anyway, so whatever. :D

So. I got a new apartment, which is absolutely lovely. Firstly for the reason that I don't have to share it with anyone. Secondly, because it's right next to a lake and little gardening place (I plan to get my own little spot there and grow some artichokes and shit)... The house itself is from the seventies and it shows but it's grown to me horribly although it's ugly as hell and in terrible shape. :D Dragged all my stuff here last weekend, and I still have one or two boxes to unpack, and a bit of cleaning up to do, but apart from that, I'm pretty much done. :)

I've been doing pretty good mentally as well, probably because I have lots of stuff to do (stuff that I'm actually motivated to do!) and my bf has been here since Friday and he really, really makes me happy as shit. <3

I feel like I just want to read and write and paint all the time. I have tons of ideas, but no energy to put those ideas into action because of sleep deprivation and shit. Sucks, really. I feel like I'm finally happy and energetic in a way but on the other hand I can't concentrate worth shit. Hypomanic episode going on perhaps, I don't know.

Oh. And I have a freaking desk. So I don't sit in my bed with my laptop anymore. I'm pretty sure my back will love me for this... :D

And my altar is pretty (although in the picture it's still a bit of a work in progress):

Doing better again

My mood swings seem to either be getting better or slower. Both are good, I really can't take the rapid cycling, it's pure hell. Anyway, I'm doing a lot better than when I last posted. Except for the fear of gaining weight that has come back, everything's fine. I haven't really been attempting to lose weight, although it seems I've been eating less without noticing. I just don't get that hungry anymore...

Anyway. We're at Suonenjoki with my boyfriend and I couldn't be happier. Watching movies (Hellboy 2 - The Golden Army is on now, and Iron Sky is next on the list), drinking and soon we'll be eating pancakes, too! :) I have to say, it's been a great Lughnasadh so far. The weather is perfect (soft rain, warmth) and we've been doing all sorts of fun stuff today...

...And yet I manage to feel fat.
Fuck my mind, I'm going to get drunk and eat and fuck him like there's no tomorrow. No way I'm going to spend the evening of a fucking harvest festival feeling crappy over a few extra pounds!

I'm okay

Just a few pretty little lines,

just a few years down the drain.

I feel better again, though. More attached to this world. I can think clearly. I won't start loving this pain too much like I did before, I promise. This shall pass, I know. I'm okay for now and will enjoy it as long as it lasts. :)

I just couldn't find the words for the things in my mind. You know, the silence you get when you thoughts are too tangled to become words. I don't get what drove me to this point, I don't get why I'm feeling so bad even though my life is as perfect as it gets. I'll just blame the chemical imbalances in my brain, hormones and general insecurity for now.

I'm okay.

Don't worry.