Feeling like utter crap

This is basically what's lately been going through my head over and over again:

"I have absolutely no self control, no ability to take responsibility, I'm just drifting aimlessly through my life and will never get anywhere. I've dropped out of school twice, and just might do that again. It's like I just can't do it. Like, for some reason, I wasn't built for what others can manage so easily. What the fuck is wrong with me? I was fine before school, and I was fine in the summer.

I'm a fat fuck and I shouldn't fucking eat at all. I'm a disgrace, too average to be pretty and too average to even be considered disordered. I wish someone could see how I feel. Their eyes would burn in their sockets, though.

I want to tear my skin apart again.

And again.
And again.

I should probably die.
I'm just a burden to everyone and can't meet even my own expectations. I can't do anything right."

And I can't fucking stop this flow of thought no matter how hard I try. I can pause it, but it always bursts back on and I don't know fucking why because I thought I'd already be clear about the reasons behind this. But apparently I wasn't.


I know I was a bit fucked up when I was going out with Eric as well (Don't get me wrong, I'm much happier now that I have an actual man beside me instead of an English rat). I was in school then too, and super stressed. I think it might just be sneaky flashbacks of bullying and sexual harassment and stuff. I mean, those were going on roughly about the same time. And then came the huge changes in my life, which I couldn't deal with for long before losing it. I feel like I have no fucking right to be whining, like I've gotten off easy. I KNOW I do have the right but I don't feel it. I'm ashamed to be this broken again. Letting this utter bullshit strike back like this, after such a long good period.
I feel like the weakest person on earth. Probably because of my dad flipped every time I showed any negative emotions at home. And we never talked about anything with mum either. It's never been okay for me to actually express what I feel, and I'm not very good at handling emotions because I'm so used to bottling them up.

And so I use my wounds as my shield and as my voice.