Doing better again

My mood swings seem to either be getting better or slower. Both are good, I really can't take the rapid cycling, it's pure hell. Anyway, I'm doing a lot better than when I last posted. Except for the fear of gaining weight that has come back, everything's fine. I haven't really been attempting to lose weight, although it seems I've been eating less without noticing. I just don't get that hungry anymore...

Anyway. We're at Suonenjoki with my boyfriend and I couldn't be happier. Watching movies (Hellboy 2 - The Golden Army is on now, and Iron Sky is next on the list), drinking and soon we'll be eating pancakes, too! :) I have to say, it's been a great Lughnasadh so far. The weather is perfect (soft rain, warmth) and we've been doing all sorts of fun stuff today...

...And yet I manage to feel fat.
Fuck my mind, I'm going to get drunk and eat and fuck him like there's no tomorrow. No way I'm going to spend the evening of a fucking harvest festival feeling crappy over a few extra pounds!

I'm okay

Just a few pretty little lines,

just a few years down the drain.

I feel better again, though. More attached to this world. I can think clearly. I won't start loving this pain too much like I did before, I promise. This shall pass, I know. I'm okay for now and will enjoy it as long as it lasts. :)

I just couldn't find the words for the things in my mind. You know, the silence you get when you thoughts are too tangled to become words. I don't get what drove me to this point, I don't get why I'm feeling so bad even though my life is as perfect as it gets. I'll just blame the chemical imbalances in my brain, hormones and general insecurity for now.

I'm okay.

Don't worry.

Mum

I want to kick her face in right now.
I'm so tired for her constantly reminding me how I'm good for nothing. Tired of how she tells me to do a shit ton of stuff two seconds after I've woken up (seriously, is she suicidal?). Tired of how she's never fucking happy with what I do and how she doesn't understand how she can hurt me with phrases like "You never get anything done". They hurt so much because I used to talk to myself like that. The voices in my head said that for years, and they almost killed me. And my mother agreeing with the voices in my head... Well. It doesn't feel too nice.
So basically I hate how she's right, in a way. How she manages to guilt trip me to the verge of picking up a knife again no matter what mood I'm in.

She's always super nice when we have guests over. Like, so nice I wish we would always have people over to visit. But that gives a pretty one-sided picture of our relationship to my friends. They often see me as a spoiled brat who talks back to her mother (and in this, they, too, agree with mum and the nasty little voices)... Well, sometimes I wish they heard how she talks to me. I wish that for once someone could just feel how it feels to me.

The worst thing about is that I do love her. She's not always like that so I can't outright hate her, which would be easier than this twisted love-hate bullshit.

I'm just really fucking tired of this.

Sorry for being so quiet around here

I've been having pretty nasty mood swings lately, and haven't actually been very motivated or concentrated enough to write anything in length. At least not in english, that is. That, and I've felt I have pretty much nothing to write about. Feels kind of stupid to just type some random blablabla.
...Though maybe I should. This is my damn blog and I CAN type random blablaba if I wish to.

Well, despite the mood swings, I've still been doing pretty good. Playing WoW for a bit, reading and drinking unholy amounts of coffee. The basic stuff, really. :) Bear is possibly coming here tomorrow. I really miss him already. Five days apart feels like a year.
I somehow manage to feel GUILTY for being so head over heels for him. Like I'm ignoring my friends and everything else in my life. But fuck it, that's how I work. I've been doing it before and if people have problems with it, I trust them to say it out loud.
To be honest, I'm not feeling too social right now. I just want to go all "fuck everything", retreat into a tiny cabin in the middle of nowhere with Bear and howl to the Moon.
Yes, I love my friends and family. But it's not my damn duty to kiss their ass every damn minute. No, I haven't been kissing their asses every damn minute - nor will I, because I'm not programmed like that.

Yes, I'm a bit cranky and in a rebellious mood.
Maybe I should write a few drabbles on Bramh, this would be the perfect mood...

I feel guilty and stupid and so damn angry for basically no reason. Frustrating.