I'm so tired for her constantly reminding me how I'm good for nothing. Tired of how she tells me to do a shit ton of stuff two seconds after I've woken up (seriously, is she suicidal?). Tired of how she's never fucking happy with what I do and how she doesn't understand how she can hurt me with phrases like "You never get anything done". They hurt so much because I used to talk to myself like that. The voices in my head said that for years, and they almost killed me. And my mother agreeing with the voices in my head... Well. It doesn't feel too nice.
So basically I hate how she's right, in a way. How she manages to guilt trip me to the verge of picking up a knife again no matter what mood I'm in.
She's always super nice when we have guests over. Like, so nice I wish we would always have people over to visit. But that gives a pretty one-sided picture of our relationship to my friends. They often see me as a spoiled brat who talks back to her mother (and in this, they, too, agree with mum and the nasty little voices)... Well, sometimes I wish they heard how she talks to me. I wish that for once someone could just feel how it feels to me.
The worst thing about is that I do love her. She's not always like that so I can't outright hate her, which would be easier than this twisted love-hate bullshit.
I'm just really fucking tired of this.
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