My body is a cage

No, I don't necessarily consider myself fat. Or at least not any less worthy of love and respect for being so. This stems from something much deeper.

My identity is a little bit of a problem. Being otherkin and gender fluid can make things a bit difficult at times. I am quite skeptical in the end, believe it or not. I doubt my identity constantly (mostly the otherkin part). I feel it's who I am but it's killing me that I have no way of proving it. I feel like I'm just telling people something without any backup for it, and I hate that feeling - especially since it's impossible to get concrete backup for it, even for myself. All I have is my emotions, phantom limbs and some hazy memories. A gut feeling, no matter how strong, just doesn't do it for me anymore. Maybe I've turned bitter and lost my faith to some extent... And that thought makes me sad as heck.

What makes my mind go most haywire over this is probably the huge difference between my physical body and the thing that I feel is the real me, and the fluid nature of my identity. I wouldn't have such big a problem with this if I could do anything about this, if I could somehow express outward - to everyone - what I feel like I am inside. I feel like I'm constantly in disguise, fooling myself and everyone around me and I don't want to do that. I want to make them see, but I can't. I'm not sure if anyone believes me, and I don't always believe it myself. I wouldn't mind going under the knife, but it wouldn't be of much help. My gender identity is so fluid any operations wouldn't probably do shit, and might cause even more confusion. And, well, science still hasn't figured out how they could plant me a tail and ears and all that. And even then it wouldn't somehow be enough. I'm a shapeshifting being after all.

I would be okay with who I am if the very core of my being was more stable, I guess. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and have come to some conclusions that have caused some confusion in my little head.

I wish I had someone to blame for this, but I don't. I wish I had someone else to direct all this despise to, all this pain, but I don't. So it turns to myself.
I hate this stupid meatsuit. It's not ugly but it's not me either. I couldn't even pass as male even if I binded my tits and glued some damn pubic hair to my face. I just couldn't. My features are way too feminine for my liking, and I don't necessarily want to look like Justin Bieber.
"Looks don't matter." Fuck that, in the case of when they matter in terms of self expression and being open and honest.

Feeling like utter crap

This is basically what's lately been going through my head over and over again:

"I have absolutely no self control, no ability to take responsibility, I'm just drifting aimlessly through my life and will never get anywhere. I've dropped out of school twice, and just might do that again. It's like I just can't do it. Like, for some reason, I wasn't built for what others can manage so easily. What the fuck is wrong with me? I was fine before school, and I was fine in the summer.

I'm a fat fuck and I shouldn't fucking eat at all. I'm a disgrace, too average to be pretty and too average to even be considered disordered. I wish someone could see how I feel. Their eyes would burn in their sockets, though.

I want to tear my skin apart again.

And again.
And again.

I should probably die.
I'm just a burden to everyone and can't meet even my own expectations. I can't do anything right."

And I can't fucking stop this flow of thought no matter how hard I try. I can pause it, but it always bursts back on and I don't know fucking why because I thought I'd already be clear about the reasons behind this. But apparently I wasn't.


I know I was a bit fucked up when I was going out with Eric as well (Don't get me wrong, I'm much happier now that I have an actual man beside me instead of an English rat). I was in school then too, and super stressed. I think it might just be sneaky flashbacks of bullying and sexual harassment and stuff. I mean, those were going on roughly about the same time. And then came the huge changes in my life, which I couldn't deal with for long before losing it. I feel like I have no fucking right to be whining, like I've gotten off easy. I KNOW I do have the right but I don't feel it. I'm ashamed to be this broken again. Letting this utter bullshit strike back like this, after such a long good period.
I feel like the weakest person on earth. Probably because of my dad flipped every time I showed any negative emotions at home. And we never talked about anything with mum either. It's never been okay for me to actually express what I feel, and I'm not very good at handling emotions because I'm so used to bottling them up.

And so I use my wounds as my shield and as my voice.

Alone

Did you see them going off to fight

children on the barricade who didn't last the night?

Did you see them lying where they died?

Someone used to kiss them when they cried.

Who will wake them? No one ever will.

No one ever told them

that a summer day can kill.

I feel lonely as shit with this all. Sensing spirits and stuff. I don’t claim to have superpowers, I don’t claim to get their memories from times long gone when they’re near or some shit like that. Time has in most cases changed them almost beyond repair. I just get these really clear mental images and sort of get their meanings and what they’re after even though I can’t always hear the exact words. I understand that the spirits and how we communicate are limited by my human psyche. Heck, I’ve asked from my doctors and shit and they went pretty quiet for a while and then said “Well, since it doesn’t bother your everyday life, we’re pretty sure it couldn’t be classified as a mental disorder or a symptom of one. Here, take these anti-psychotics just in case”. I went through SIX different anti-psychotics with different doses. And nothing could stop me from having these experiences.

I hate how the media has made experiences like this up to be something freaky. I mean… It’s not poofs of smoke and flashes of lightning. It’s not a superpower. I can’t tell the future. But when I say “I sense some spirits around me, some of them have tagged along with me for years” people automatically assume I mean some weird shit like in the movies and tv. Like… I don’t WANT to make myself out to be a fucking special snowflake because I know I’m not. It’s simply a thing about me. Like that my eyes are green or something. It’s in other peoples’ heads what makes this so “strange”. I just want to talk about some friends who are dead to the rest of the world. I want to share their story somehow. I want to share MY story but I’m too fucking scared to tell anyone in the fear of being judged.

And yes thank you, I’m aware of my low self esteem. Yes, I do doubt myself. But it’s too real to not be. It’s too complicated yet still always half-hidden. I can sense that the otherworld is right behind the corner but I also know I won’t fully see it until I permanently move there myself. And I will never fully understand it.

I just don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to hide anymore but I don’t know what else to do and who to talk to.

Pretty good day

So, mr. Bear left earlier today, I got to clean up my apartment a bit and wrote some pretty badass shit after he left. :) I'll see him and his parents tomorrow, though (eek, nervous!), and get my cat to my place on saturday. <3

Then Hetu visited with her dog and we went for coffee at my ex-flatmates' place. 'Twas nice to see Hetu and Nano again. I feel a bit guilty for not contacting my friends too well in such a long time simply because of personal stress and being in a relationship. But I promise things will get better, I know it. Just know I love you all, you're my damn pack and have held me up when I've felt weak and I hope I can pay it back to you one day. Especially Hetu, I know I haven't always treated you as well as you would've deserved and I apologize for it. <3

But anyway. I just realized that this bout of depression is basically me suffering from the "Bramh syndrome" (Hetu knows what I mean, lol), aka a bit of a daddy complex and the fear of history repeating itself. Not in the completely same manner as my character but you know. The trip to Ireland in June (when this all started acting up again) triggered some memories of my family having been complete - not perfect, but still whole and okay - and then suddenly breaking down. And it's made me think more about abandonment in general... Which, in turn, has made me feel guilty as shit for simply not having to be able to be there for my loved ones in need. It's just guilt after guilt because of an old idea and personal trauma still stuck in my head. You know, I would like to hate my father but I can't. He might be dumb and have zero eye for social contact and too much of a love for numbers, but he's still the father I grew up with as a kid. I hope I don't repeat my mistakes by either being too cold and distant towards those I love or holding them too tightly tied to me - and thus holding them further away from others. I've always been either really awkward or really possessive about people. It's about time I let go of that shit and learn to you know... Interact normally again.

I don't know how much of this text is sensible to Hetu and other possible readers, but the point is, that there is a reason for me being so damn down and I know what it is, that I'm sorry for possibly hurting you, and I will get better. Not perfect, but better. I'm not hurting anyone on purpose, not even myself. But I will fight it, because fuck, I'm going in circles and that leads nowhere and isn't any good for anyone.

Here, have a few silly pictures.

Hello again

Seems I'm really random with updating my blogs. Kind of annoys me - but then again, it's my life and my blogs and I will write when I have something to write and proper time to do it. And no one probably reads these anyway, so whatever. :D

So. I got a new apartment, which is absolutely lovely. Firstly for the reason that I don't have to share it with anyone. Secondly, because it's right next to a lake and little gardening place (I plan to get my own little spot there and grow some artichokes and shit)... The house itself is from the seventies and it shows but it's grown to me horribly although it's ugly as hell and in terrible shape. :D Dragged all my stuff here last weekend, and I still have one or two boxes to unpack, and a bit of cleaning up to do, but apart from that, I'm pretty much done. :)

I've been doing pretty good mentally as well, probably because I have lots of stuff to do (stuff that I'm actually motivated to do!) and my bf has been here since Friday and he really, really makes me happy as shit. <3

I feel like I just want to read and write and paint all the time. I have tons of ideas, but no energy to put those ideas into action because of sleep deprivation and shit. Sucks, really. I feel like I'm finally happy and energetic in a way but on the other hand I can't concentrate worth shit. Hypomanic episode going on perhaps, I don't know.

Oh. And I have a freaking desk. So I don't sit in my bed with my laptop anymore. I'm pretty sure my back will love me for this... :D

And my altar is pretty (although in the picture it's still a bit of a work in progress):

Doing better again

My mood swings seem to either be getting better or slower. Both are good, I really can't take the rapid cycling, it's pure hell. Anyway, I'm doing a lot better than when I last posted. Except for the fear of gaining weight that has come back, everything's fine. I haven't really been attempting to lose weight, although it seems I've been eating less without noticing. I just don't get that hungry anymore...

Anyway. We're at Suonenjoki with my boyfriend and I couldn't be happier. Watching movies (Hellboy 2 - The Golden Army is on now, and Iron Sky is next on the list), drinking and soon we'll be eating pancakes, too! :) I have to say, it's been a great Lughnasadh so far. The weather is perfect (soft rain, warmth) and we've been doing all sorts of fun stuff today...

...And yet I manage to feel fat.
Fuck my mind, I'm going to get drunk and eat and fuck him like there's no tomorrow. No way I'm going to spend the evening of a fucking harvest festival feeling crappy over a few extra pounds!

I'm okay

Just a few pretty little lines,

just a few years down the drain.

I feel better again, though. More attached to this world. I can think clearly. I won't start loving this pain too much like I did before, I promise. This shall pass, I know. I'm okay for now and will enjoy it as long as it lasts. :)

I just couldn't find the words for the things in my mind. You know, the silence you get when you thoughts are too tangled to become words. I don't get what drove me to this point, I don't get why I'm feeling so bad even though my life is as perfect as it gets. I'll just blame the chemical imbalances in my brain, hormones and general insecurity for now.

I'm okay.

Don't worry.

Mum

I want to kick her face in right now.
I'm so tired for her constantly reminding me how I'm good for nothing. Tired of how she tells me to do a shit ton of stuff two seconds after I've woken up (seriously, is she suicidal?). Tired of how she's never fucking happy with what I do and how she doesn't understand how she can hurt me with phrases like "You never get anything done". They hurt so much because I used to talk to myself like that. The voices in my head said that for years, and they almost killed me. And my mother agreeing with the voices in my head... Well. It doesn't feel too nice.
So basically I hate how she's right, in a way. How she manages to guilt trip me to the verge of picking up a knife again no matter what mood I'm in.

She's always super nice when we have guests over. Like, so nice I wish we would always have people over to visit. But that gives a pretty one-sided picture of our relationship to my friends. They often see me as a spoiled brat who talks back to her mother (and in this, they, too, agree with mum and the nasty little voices)... Well, sometimes I wish they heard how she talks to me. I wish that for once someone could just feel how it feels to me.

The worst thing about is that I do love her. She's not always like that so I can't outright hate her, which would be easier than this twisted love-hate bullshit.

I'm just really fucking tired of this.

Sorry for being so quiet around here

I've been having pretty nasty mood swings lately, and haven't actually been very motivated or concentrated enough to write anything in length. At least not in english, that is. That, and I've felt I have pretty much nothing to write about. Feels kind of stupid to just type some random blablabla.
...Though maybe I should. This is my damn blog and I CAN type random blablaba if I wish to.

Well, despite the mood swings, I've still been doing pretty good. Playing WoW for a bit, reading and drinking unholy amounts of coffee. The basic stuff, really. :) Bear is possibly coming here tomorrow. I really miss him already. Five days apart feels like a year.
I somehow manage to feel GUILTY for being so head over heels for him. Like I'm ignoring my friends and everything else in my life. But fuck it, that's how I work. I've been doing it before and if people have problems with it, I trust them to say it out loud.
To be honest, I'm not feeling too social right now. I just want to go all "fuck everything", retreat into a tiny cabin in the middle of nowhere with Bear and howl to the Moon.
Yes, I love my friends and family. But it's not my damn duty to kiss their ass every damn minute. No, I haven't been kissing their asses every damn minute - nor will I, because I'm not programmed like that.

Yes, I'm a bit cranky and in a rebellious mood.
Maybe I should write a few drabbles on Bramh, this would be the perfect mood...

I feel guilty and stupid and so damn angry for basically no reason. Frustrating.

Haven't updated in a while

Hello again! I've been quiet in the world of blogging for a while now since I've been concentrating on socializing. YES, SOCIALIZING. And dragging my hugeass backpack from the apartment of one friend to another. ;)

We're leaving for Bear's cottage today. It's such a lovely place, right next to a lake and everything. We'll probably be rowing around and fishing, eating like true damn warriors (mmh, burnt sausages), watching random movies and documentaries... Among other things. But yeah. I'm happy as a kid in a candy store.

I got a pretty nasty fever and stuff about a week ago and am now on antibiotics. Feeling a lot better already, despite the slight crankiness and not-so-slight grumbling of my stomach. No, seriously, I have eaten in a week what I'd normally have eaten in one day. But I can't go to the store to grab food because I have no keys to this place. Although I COULD grab my backpack, go get food and plant my hairy arse to the old church's park. I probably look so pagan it hurts so it could be quite amusing.

Anyway, I hope you have a nice day. <3

Awesome night

So, my dear Bear came here yesterday and we've had an awesome time. Talking about history, mythology and practical gardening and stuff. He's reading about Mayas etc right now, and I'm writing this since I finished reading a chapter of The Mammoth Book of Celtic Myths and Legends by Peter Berresfort Ellis. :) It's raining outside and I feel at home. <3 The cat is feeling a wee bit better, too, and we sat outside for a while with the cats (they, surprisingly, didn't rip each other's throats out!), reading, drinking coffee and smoking. I really love these kind of quiet, relaxed rainy days. Although they also make me want to go to the seaside for a long walk, finding seashells and enjoying the wind and rain - and then return back home to a good book and a big cup of tea.

I feel like myself when I'm with Bear, you know. I feel it's easy to communicate with him about my interests and things since he really understands them. And even though I can't yet understand all his interests as well, he's patient enough to explain things to me. I learn a lot, and I like learning. It's so nice just to cuddle and read, and every once in a while, yell "LUGH, YOU COCKY BASTARD!", and have the person laying next to you understand what you're talking about.
I respect him a lot. His kind, warm, patient heart and yearning for learning (rhymes <3).

Oh, I almost forgot.
Sex bruises = good bruises. I can't sit properly, but who cares. Three hours of merciless rutting was totally worth it. <3

I'm happy.
So incredibly fucking happy and at peace.

Guess who came back from Dublin last night!

Sorry, I haven't got the pictures from the trip yet so we'll have to go with randomness for a while. (Funny randomness, though.)

So, the trip went really well. I have like no money left, my feet are still aching and yet I'm still happy and would go back right away if I had the money to get my ass and a few loved ones there. I like how my shirt and pretty much everything else still smells of our hostel. Idk, I miss the place but in a more calm manner than after my first trip there. I just know I'll be back so there's nothing to worry about. ;)

But yeah. Museums, bookstores, random shopping, pubs and being strange. That's it in a nutshell. It was lovely and I'm thankful for the opportunity to drag my arse "back home" again.
I'll tell more when I get the pictures we took to my email, I'm getting the "one foot in the otherworld" feeling now, and Bear is coming here soon (I hope) so my concentration isn't at its best.

Love

Lately I've simply been filled with love. For myself, for Bear, for the Gods, Life itself... Even school and the path I've chosen in general. Before, I didn't really know what to do with my life but now I have tons of plans and dreams. I feel strangely... Full. You know, I'm not even pissed off at my dad anymore. I see him more clearly now, his insecurities and everything that has led to this point. He has problems with social interaction, I really noticed it the last time he visited. He changed the subject even more often than I do (which is OFTEN, as people who've known me for a long time know very well), there's something off about him. But it's okay. Even though he hasn't always been much of a real father for me, he isn't a bad person. No one is, I think. People just have their own stories. I think I've simply forgiven myself and others. Yes, I do still have my bad days, but overall... I don't think I could get much happier.

I have amazing friends. I would simply walk to Mordor for my loved ones, for Light's sake! (No, that wasn't nerdy, not at all!) I'm grateful that things are going so smoothly. I know how rough life can feel sometimes, and the contrast between me a few years ago and me today is HUGE. I love it. I've grown a lot. Yes, I still act like a pampered little princess sometimes but hey, that's how I am, that's how I was brought up. I try not to let the less appealing sides of my personality really get on anyones nerves - I detest fighting - but I'm still human (more or less, at least).

I have my family, my friends who are like a second family to me, Bear and myself. I have the Gods behind me and the Earth beneath my feet whatever happens. Even though there still will be rough times ahead, I know now that they will pass. The night is always followed by the dawn. As the Sun rises, I will rise too. It's how life cycles. From winter to spring, night to day, death to birth (at least in my books)... I think it's really quite beautiful. The incredible balance. The knowledge that the very simple fact that you have a problem tells that there is a solution. It might take time to find that solution - for me, it took years - but one day you'll feel the sun on your skin again. Just hope and trust.
Love, hope and trust.

Excited

This is what I did around 3am. Doodled faces in the dark to get rid of my samefacing. I think I'm STILL doing it and it's annoying as hell. The facial features change but their proportions and distances from each other really don't. And I can't seem to get rid of it. Idk, maybe it's just my style. I mean, these guys would all be recognizable and that's what matters I guess.

So, we're leaving for Dublin the day after tomorrow and I'm basically squealing like an idiot and pissing my pants out of excitement here! Hana's coming here tomorrow and the others we'll get to see on Monday. Doing laundry now so I'll have some nice clean clothes and ASDFGHJKL I CAN'T WAIT.

Planning on playing WoW and drawing another bunch of random faces today, possibly something bigger and prettier too. I'm getting the "photoshop tingling" in my fingertips again. <3

It's definitely going to be a good day. Sweet texts (like, so sweet I'm about to puke <3) from Bear and generally feeling like I could take on a whole army by myself. Oh yeah!

Good day, I'd say!

Still craving tea like hell even though I've drank like six cups today. Not a lot by my standards, really, but... Shit. I really, really like tea. It's a summer thing, I guess.

I got a lovely new cardigan today. Dark moss green, really nice material and cute pockets and everything, eep! And a t-shirt with a really pretty skull print, black/grey on a white base. Also, I've been eating like a king for a change. Got some liver thingies and mashed potatoes with mushroom sauce and a big glass of apple cider earlier and now some fresh bread and stuff~ Idk, little things like these just make me happy as hell. It's been a good day even though I got slightly annoyed at mom for being so rude around the shops' personnel today, my feet are dead and I still have a slight headache.

Everything just feels so fine. I miss mr. Bear but I know I'll see him again soon. He might be coming to stay for the night next Saturday. We'll get mum's place all to ourselves and can just chill, drink tea at the back yard, watch documentaries and fuck like animals with no damn hurry anywhere. <3 He works a lot, the weekends SOMETIMES being an exception and it sometimes irks me that we get so little time together (which I have already stated in this blog), but I also admire his industriousness and patience greatly.

...I JUST CAN'T TALK OR WRITE ANYTHING WITHOUT AT LEAST MENTIONING HIM. THIS IS ANNOYING. ...almost.

No, seriously, guys, I'm happy as a fucking mushroom. And feeling super cuddly and horny. Can I just please be like...?:

Self... Annoyance?

It's annoying as shit that I sometimes leave things unsaid or undone because I'm scared of saying or doing them wrong. I still have this annoying obsession for perfection somewhere deep down. And my silence often leads to conversations with me yelling "I know that already!", which nobody believes because I haven't indicated my knowledge about the subject. Which makes me look like an idiot, which is what I've been trying to avoid the whole damn time.

I'm sickly afraid of not knowing things. But you know what? I will never learn if I won't fucking ask about things I don't know about. And I won't learn to do things I can't yet unless I admit I can't do them and have someone to fucking teach me.

This is pretty much the only problem I have with myself these days. I'm shy in a pretty funky way. I'm shy of showing my weaknesses, although I always preach about how it's OK to be weak and "weakness" and "strength" are only made up words that don't really make us any better or worse. I'm such a stupid prick sometimes. I have to get this shit to really sink in. Because I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be a scaredypants shy little girl.

I do know loads of things. Most of the time I just can't remember them. I forget half of the things I read which is especially annoying with mythology and herbalism. I don't really learn that well by reading. Listening to someone that knows their shit and is passionate about the subject, however, makes stuff really stick in my head. I like listening to people lecturing - although the subject can make all the difference. Also, I curse the people who use fancy words without explaining them. I mean, no, for example "typographic ligature" isn't a fancy word for someone who's been working in graphic design for years, but to most people it is. I wish the ones explaining things would start from the assumption that I don't know shit. (Then I get a good reason to go "Oi! I knew that already, awesome!" too.)

By the way, this is what a typographic ligature is:

Basically, lumping letters together to either create new ones (in a way) or to make the text more readable and pretty. I like ligatures. <3
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I will go get some tea because I'm still pissed off at myself for not admitting my lack of knowledge like a real man, and missing hitting an axe to my knee since I have never chopped firewood. Ugh.

Idk I just need to get this out of my system

Obligatory relationship feels-post.

It annoys me a bit that though there obviously is something going on between me and the Bear, we haven't really talked about it. In a way, it's lovely to get your point across without talking. He does understand me in a funny way, like we had our own way of communicating. But on the other hand, I would like this ocean to be clear and deep. I want to know where we're headed, I'd love to hear more of his thoughts on things. Boy, would I be glad if he had a blog like this where he posted random vents.
I just have this insatiable craving to spend more time with him, to know him better.

I miss my Bear and I really, really, really want to just spend more time with him. I just realized that we haven't had any chilling time alone yet, just the two of us. Like watching stupid old movies or drinking tea and shit like that. I know I sound immensely creepy (in a pretty sidhe-like way) when I say this, but I really crave to see him in his "natural habitat". In the middle of a burst of emotion and inspiration, or just laying on the sofa scratching his balls. I want to see every side of him. I want to live only on his scent, gaze and touch. It's like I'm ridiculously addicted to his very presence.
I. Want. To. Get. Closer.

Can you believe this, it's almost like I - ME of all people - want a proper fucking DATE.
Oh man, I'm in it deep, aren't I?
I've been addicted to loads of things. Smoking. Alcohol. Cutting and starving myself. But this - him - must be the strongest of them all. An addiction I don't want to get rid of.

Thai food and a haircut

So I went to see my dad and his wife today. It was awesome. Nice to see them again after such a long time, and free food and a cheap haircut is always a big bonus! ;) Got some yummy spicy shrimp soup, ice cream and apple cider. We just sat at the back yard and chilled, and then Su cut my hair. It was getting super overgrown and stuff. :< But now it's all good and I'm happy. ^^

I miss my bearman like hell. And friends, too. It's weird being alone after spending... well, over a week without basically any "me-time". I guess it's good to have some now, though. Even if it means being bored to death.

...Oh wait, I have WoW game time. Problem solved. <3

Just thought I'd make a quick introduction-sort of thing...

(The picture above shows a Niina-animal in midst of a horrible fangirl squealing fit.)

So since this is a new blog and I might one day even get some readers, I thought I'd tell a thing or two about myself. First thing you should probably know is that I like writing about myself.

My name is Niina and I'm from Finland. I'm 21 years old, study graphic design and dream of getting a job as an illustrator some day. Art is my passion and I have an almost unhealthy obsession for fantasy and history related art - and fantasy and history in general, especially if we're talking about WoW and iron age Ireland.  I dream of building my own roundhouse one day, even though I'm all thumbs when it comes to building big stuff (I think I have some problems with really seeing and thinking things in 3D) and my back is shit. But it'd be insanely cool to chill in a roundhouse eating rabbit stew and sewing and shit like that.

I also like random things like animals, herbalism, folk music, beards, archery, tea and beer. One could say I'm a wee bit primitive when it comes to some of my habits, hobbies and knowledge about stuff, but my lifestyle is pretty much that of a complete nerd. Apart from constantly traveling around the country to see my friends when I'm bored, that is. I like being on the move and seeing people.

So in a nutshell, I'm slightly obsessive and impulsive - but thanks to that, rarely boring company. Except when I get to talk about the things or people I really, really, really like. I end up repeating myself quite a lot sometimes!

Religion-/spirituality-wise, I'm a pagan. I don't really fall into any ready-made category under that term, though. In a nutshell, I believe the gods are, in the end, born of human belief and live on it. That doesn't make them or their deeds any less real, though. I see the gods as "translators" between man and the vast, abstract pool of knowledge and energy of the Universe. I don't rule out any god's existence, I simply believe we connect to those whom we best understand, who "speak our language", so to say. So, in the end, Life is what I worship. I worship birth and death, the ups, downs and all arounds. I believe we're not really that separate from the gods. We have the power to create and to destroy things in our own lives - a smaller scale of what the nature does. Things begin and end, and the cycle starts anew. We're all gods of our own worlds, the paths we walk. I see the world as a complex web of relations, as bubbles and circles. I know it sounds really strange when I put it that way but I hope you understand. You know the feeling of wonder when you realize the silhouettes of the naked branches of the trees against the sky look like the blood vessels in our fingertips our our lungs? How you can "hear the ocean" when you put a seashell against your ear? It's blood rushing in your veins, it's your inner ocean. Those are the kinds of associations I get all the time, that the world is like a big bubble in which are tons of smaller bubbles which are filled with little bubbles. Which reminds me of how all living things consist of cells.
Life is a beautiful wonder which will never cease to amaze me.

I believe in spirits, past lives and things like that, but with a healthy dose of criticism. I analyze things a lot - over analyze, too. I question almost every single theory about spells and such and like to use my own logic and feelers more than read fluffy texts like "the magical healing powers of crystals - the article which was written by one person with biased views on the subject and who cites no sources at all". I like magic but I also like logic. In my opinion, those should always go hand in hand. But then again, everyone's logic is different and I'm not saying mine is better than others' - just that I do things my own way. To the person who's written such articles, the subject may be very real, and I have nothing against that. I'd just wish people would separate the "news, based on facts"-section from the "opinions"-section more clearly and not assume their way of seeing things is the only right one.

So yeah, I'm pretty open minded. I like people and ideas, inspiring stuff. Long conversations at 4am are a favorite hobby of mine, but can be pretty tiring to the person I'm talking with I guess. I have the tendency to get a wee bit carried away. Like I have done with this blog post. OOPS!

 (And here we have a Niina-animal in their natural habitat.)

Been a lovely day!

I woke up pretty late, but at least I slept well. I was at Hana's and helped her clean up a bit and stuff. At seven, I hopped on a train to Helsinki, and now I'm at my mom's place.

We're going to Dublin with a bunch of good friends in five days. FIVE DAYS. I'm dying of excitement. Seriously, the place feels so much like home and I miss Ireland terribly - like I have missed it my whole life I think, even before I went there. Life is sometimes strange like that.

It's summer, the weather's nice (cloudy for once, I was on the verge of turning into really crispy bacon!), I'm in love with the sweetest man I've ever known and going "to visit home" in mere days. My mom's and my cats are laying beside me on the bed and we're just chilling.

I'm so happy it hurts. <3