Pretty good day

So, mr. Bear left earlier today, I got to clean up my apartment a bit and wrote some pretty badass shit after he left. :) I'll see him and his parents tomorrow, though (eek, nervous!), and get my cat to my place on saturday. <3

Then Hetu visited with her dog and we went for coffee at my ex-flatmates' place. 'Twas nice to see Hetu and Nano again. I feel a bit guilty for not contacting my friends too well in such a long time simply because of personal stress and being in a relationship. But I promise things will get better, I know it. Just know I love you all, you're my damn pack and have held me up when I've felt weak and I hope I can pay it back to you one day. Especially Hetu, I know I haven't always treated you as well as you would've deserved and I apologize for it. <3

But anyway. I just realized that this bout of depression is basically me suffering from the "Bramh syndrome" (Hetu knows what I mean, lol), aka a bit of a daddy complex and the fear of history repeating itself. Not in the completely same manner as my character but you know. The trip to Ireland in June (when this all started acting up again) triggered some memories of my family having been complete - not perfect, but still whole and okay - and then suddenly breaking down. And it's made me think more about abandonment in general... Which, in turn, has made me feel guilty as shit for simply not having to be able to be there for my loved ones in need. It's just guilt after guilt because of an old idea and personal trauma still stuck in my head. You know, I would like to hate my father but I can't. He might be dumb and have zero eye for social contact and too much of a love for numbers, but he's still the father I grew up with as a kid. I hope I don't repeat my mistakes by either being too cold and distant towards those I love or holding them too tightly tied to me - and thus holding them further away from others. I've always been either really awkward or really possessive about people. It's about time I let go of that shit and learn to you know... Interact normally again.

I don't know how much of this text is sensible to Hetu and other possible readers, but the point is, that there is a reason for me being so damn down and I know what it is, that I'm sorry for possibly hurting you, and I will get better. Not perfect, but better. I'm not hurting anyone on purpose, not even myself. But I will fight it, because fuck, I'm going in circles and that leads nowhere and isn't any good for anyone.

Here, have a few silly pictures.